I'm quite a reflective person so I feel it may be appropriate to wrap up 2014 with a post.
2014 Recap:
January: Took a risk and started a new job - definitely paid off! Although I have my moments, I love my job now and have met many wonderful people along the way.
March: Holiday-ed to Singapore. Revisited my sexual orientation with my sister for the first time in 8 years - definitely a pivotal moment this year and what's began this self discovery journey.
April: Started meeting with Bishop regularly - have felt a huge burden off my shoulders as I no longer held a calling or partook of the sacrament.
May: Started blogging!! - met some wonderful people along the way from this awesome MoHo community.
June: Started personal training - finally bit the bullet to get healthier and fitter! Although I'm not at the point to take body transformation photos, I definitely feel healthier!
September: Met the man I fell in love with.
October: Came out to my Dad - I don't think I've blogged about it yet! May have to catch up soon...
November: Came out to my Mum (again!)
December: Relationship ended. Went on an amazing cruise and family holiday!
Favourites of 2014:
Song: "Shake It Off"
Movie: "Frozen" - I know it technically came out end of 2013 but I watched it in 2014.
TV show: TWD
Musical watched in 2014: Wicked
Internet meme: I can't decide between the 2!
Picture taken: The Pacific Ocean sunset
It's been quite an amazing year really despite the recent rough patches.
I feel like this year has been pivotal to me starting this journey of self discovery and spirituality, taking risks and taking chances. Sure, not everything ended up where I would've liked but I trust that it happened this way for a reason and I just need to wait patiently to find out what that reason was. It maybe cheesy but I do believe that it is better to have experienced love and be hurt than to never have experienced love at all. After all, according to 2 Nephi 2, how are we to know what joy feels like if we never experience sorrow and pain?
So farewell 2014 - you've been great and here's to a brighter, better and more joy filled 2015!
I've just returned home interstate after spending Christmas back home with my family and frankly, it's a bit lonely to be home by myself again. Funny how changes in circumstances can change how quickly you want to be home.
So it's been a week and a half of being single again... each day gets easier but certainly coming home was a challenge. I still think about him but being home does make it seem more real and concrete. My very good friend came over the day after I got back to help me get rid of some of his stuff which was good. It was hard. I think throwing the toothbrush out was probably the hardest part. I saw a note that he once wrote to me... I wanted to read it again but I knew it would hurt too much so I scrumped it up and I hesitated throwing it out... because I wanted to keep it as a memory... but I didn't because it would hurt too much.
'...someday when I stop loving you...'
I want to write a little bit about where I stand with my faith at the moment amongst everything else that is happening. I would be lying if I said it had no impact on my spiritual journey.
First of all, I told myself clearly when this was happening that I wasn't going to run back to Church just because I was 'compelled to be humble' or because it was convenient. I put up a brave face with my family in Sydney and told my sister that it was a mutual break up and that I felt completely fine. I'm sure she told my parents because they didn't make any mention of him for the remainder of the trip. I told my sister that regardless of this relationship ending, it doesn't change the fact that I want to find another relationship...
The truth is... I don't know what I want anymore. I want to love again but will I? If I'm not going to then I might as well go back to Church, at least I can be somewhat happy there... Right?
Just to complicate things I came out to 2 other Church friends when I was in Sydney. One of them I planned to tell and the other it just kind of happened.
Friend 1: He clearly felt uncomfortable and in fact said to me that he was very homophobic but was trying to understand where I was coming from. He essentially in a nutshell implied that it is something that I need to overcome and that I must be an elect spirit to be faced with this challenge and that I could overcome it. I'm not a huge fan of the Church's explanation of this whole 'chosen generation' concept... I think it's just used to make you feel good and motivate you to do things. I think we had to agree to disagree a bit but we were both respectful.
Friend 2: She has always been someone that I look up to, a spiritual giant who helped me through many trials in my teenage years. She played a big role in my staying active in Church when I wanted to leave the first time around. I told her at the airport as she was seeing me off. We didn't really have much time to talk about it but we are going to Skype sometime soon to discuss it in more detail.
Maybe it's because I'm lonely and heartbroken... but I feel like I miss something that the Church gave me. Hope perhaps? I don't know...
A lot of food for thought. I certainly don't want to make any big decisions at the moment. I did however go to Church today, Sacrament and Sunday School. It was kind of mediocre. I've been thinking that maybe I should pray but perhaps it's pride but I don't want to come running back to God as soon as something goes wrong and go out and do what I want when things are going well. Perhaps I'm not ready to make a decision. I don't know. Right now, my priority is to get my spirits back up and hopefully deal with this breakup.
On the 14th September 2014, He and I met and went on our first date for a hike. I picked him up from his house and he was already waiting outside. He jumped in the car and seemed very confident and talkative. We laughed and talked during our hike, he loved musicals as do I, he enjoys the outdoors and wanted to have a family. After our hike he asked if I wanted to grab some dinner which we did. Oh, how could I forget the silly pineapple juice comment when I ordered one not knowing the symbolism behind it, I used to laugh at that experience but now I think about it with tears welling up in my eyes. I had a good evening but didn’t know how it went until he asked if he could ‘steal a hug’ from me in the car park which lasted for about 5 seconds. When I dropped him off home, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I don’t think I can ever forget that moment.
That first week was killing me; the chase - I hated the chase, I texted him the next day and he texted me on the Wednesday and I asked if he wanted to grab a drink on Thursday which ended up being our second date - dumplings. He then invited me over on Friday night which was a wonderful night when we just laid in bed and talked. We spent Saturday shopping and walking around. Everything else seems like a blur from then. From that first weekend, we spent at least one day from every weekend together and usually once or twice during the week too.
Truly, Madly, Deeply
I remember a few weeks ago when he made me promise him to talk to him if there was ever anything I wasn’t happy with and never keep anything from him because he wanted to be with me forever and he could see it happening. He told me I care more to him than anything in the world. Whenever I felt any insecurities he would kiss me so convincingly that all my worries would go away. I really believed that he loved me and that I mattered to him.
I was there for him when he was about to get evicted from his house and offered for him to stay at my house. I looked everyday for a house he could move into and eventually found a place. We moved together and that night when I laid in bed, I felt like we were moving in together because it felt like our home. He began decorating his house, pictures of us together, we built our Christmas tree together in preparation for Christmas. I had a toothbrush at his house and he at mine. We even had our first weeknight sleepover for a work night and it worked out just great.
I remember when we watched ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ together, he wept into my arms and I told him I would always be here for him. For many times after that day, I was there when he needed me, bringing dinner over when he had a bad day, comforting him when he felt stressed, I really gave it my all.
When he asked me to go to his work Christmas ‘family picnic’, I felt like it was a big step forward. Even after the picnic he said that he was happy because he felt like we were a family now. He gave me a key to his house and I felt like I had two homes and it felt great because for once, I opened up my heart completely to let someone in. I remember when he told me that he had never opened up so much to someone before.
How could I not pay a tribute to once of our favourite movies we watched together...
"...All my life has been a series of doors in my face, and then suddenly I bump into you... Love is an open door..."
The Silent Fall
During my holiday, everything seemed the same, we texted daily - good morning text every morning and goodnight text every night; he continued to tell me he loved me and missed me. I had no idea that he was already plotting a breakup and that his feelings towards me had already changed.
In hindsight, I did notice some phone calls when I would say I missed him and he didn’t reciprocate. I told myself not to be so sensitive and was reassured every time he did tell me he loved me. We exchanged about 2 phone calls in the first week mostly during times he was out shopping or driving. He promised we could chat on Skype when I was away but that never happened and I never asked for it because I didn't want him to feel pressured. It didn’t matter, hearing his voice was enough for me. I missed him like crazy.
My cruise ship docked in our city for a day and we had already planned a day together - who would’ve thought what was supposed to be the best day would turn into the worst.
He picked me up from the pier and we went back to his place to open our Christmas presents. He got me Balderdash (I love Balderdash!!), a smoothie blender, a sports drink bottle and a recipe book. He did pretty good I must say. We then went to my place to pick up a few things and then he took me on a 'surprise date'. We went to a lovely park by the shoreline and had a picnic... he made me all my favourite foods. We then went to Science Works museum.
I could tell something was up... he was quiet the whole day, he was barely smiling, he didn't hold my hand or kiss me like he used to. He reassured me everything was alright... I didn't believe him... When he dropped me off at the pier I asked him again whether or not something was up because he seemed 'different' and once again he said everything was fine. I didn't believe him and asked him to tell me what was happening. He told me to get back in the car - my heart sank.
Crashing Down
He told me that he didn't want to tell me now because he didn't want to ruin my holiday and wanted us to talk when I got back from holidays. I couldn't bear waiting 2 more weeks to find out our fate so I made him tell me. He did. I cried. I left.
The only time I heard from him again was when he asked me where the key to his house was later that day... we haven't spoken since even though i have so much I want to tell him....
Although I’m still in pain and things didn’t work out, the last 3 months have been some of the happiest of my life. I love the way he held me in his arms. I love the way we would hold hands. I love his lame jokes. I love the way he kissed me. I love the his head on my shoulders. I love his terrible singing. I love the way he looked at me. I love him. The truth is, I would love to hear him tell me he loves me again even if it's a lie. I hope that love will always be apart of who I am but I hope that I may set that love aside so that I can make room to love someone else, someone who can and will love me back.
"...Just wanna stand there and hear me cry, that's alright because I love the way you lie... I love the way you lie..."
I haven't posted here for a while... mainly because I suck at writing and it was taking me so long to write things that even half made sense. For some reason, heartbreak makes words flow easier...
What has been happening since my last post?
I was still on my journey of finding out if the Gospel was true... the answer never came. What did come was a wonderful guy, we fell in love and I was happy. For once, I felt like I could live without the Gospel in my life and still be happy. I came out to my Mum and Dad once again but this time letting them know that I no longer attend Church regularly, wear my garments or believe whole heartedly as I once did. They were understandably sad but respected my decisions.
As I hinted to in the beginning, another chapter of love has concluded in my life and I wish to document the journey and hopefully write more regularly once again. The coming posts will document the last few months and where to from here...
It wouldn't be a mission if I didn't attach this song to it ;)
I served in the Great White North from 2007 - 2009.
It certainly wasn't an easy time but to me, those times have been some of the happiest times of my life. I felt like I could for once put my sexual identity behind me and serve the Lord with all my heart, might, mind and strength.
I had all sorts of companions;
-weird, diligent, amazing, annoying, socially awkward, faithful, funny, etc etc... you catch my drift! I love them all (by the end of it)
It was such an amazing opportunity to put things behind you and just focus on sharing the Gospel. Although some of my views may have changed a little bit, I still don't regret serving a mission and am grateful for everything the mission taught me. I don't think I would be the person I am today if I didn't serve a mission. I met some of the most amazing people and even though we haven't kept in touch as much as I would've liked, some have changed my life so much.
I've forgotten a lot of my mission... it has been about 5 years ago! WOAH!
Sitting here writing this blog I've tried to think of some memories and some of it is coming back... I think going through my mission journals is due!
As wonderful and amazing as my mission was, like all good things, they have to come to an end.
I really wanted to move to Utah after my mission and study at BYU - sometimes I wonder if my life would be any different now if I had chosen that path. I didn't though. I went back to University in Australia and continued my degree.
Wow! So who would've thought keeping a blog would be so hard! Now I don't know where to start seeing as there's so much I need to catch up on!
Hmm... where to start.....
Well maybe a bit more about my story perhaps...
So continuing on where I had left off
Oh those teenage years.... how to describe them...
I remember my teenage years being a time when I was yearning for love, wanting to feel special and wanting so desperately to fall in love. I tried all I could to conform with the 'norm' and even dating girls. It just never felt right. All that came of that was unfairness and heartbreak - and to this day I feel incredibly sorry for those that I hurt because I so desperately wanted to be straight.
Back in those days there wasn't smart phones but luckily there was the internet and I found myself trying to meet guys there (not the best medium I must say). I briefly talking about Mogenic in my previous post.
Simultaneously at this time I remember Church was not a positive in my life. I felt like I was being judged all the time by leaders. My friends weren't particularly strong in the Gospel and in fact most of them were non-members. I recall an incident where a leader blatantly accused me in Sunday School of taking drugs... furious was an understatement. I remember going to Church but not actually being there. I didn't want to be there...
The first person I ever told about my SGA was my sister... her response really felt like knives to my heart. I still recall those words of 'you can change' and 'don't give up' still rings familiar in my mind today. I don't blame her because I would've probably done the same if our lives were reversed. Funnily enough that was the only conversation I ever had with my sister about the issue for 8 years.
The second person I told was my Mum. It was during this period when I did not want to go to Church anymore that I felt like my Mum knew. I think she always knew deep inside. I was probably a bit of a sensitive kid (and I really liked Sailor Moon :P). One Sunday morning when we drove to Church my Dad and sister went into class and my Mum and I sat in the car. My Mum wanted to know why I didn't want to come to Church anymore. Then those words came... she said... 'do you like boys?' We both cried in the car that morning and she also told me that i could change and that this wasn't who I am.
I didn't feel like anyone understood me. Definitely not anyone in my family anyways. This was a really dark time for me. I wanted to be loved so badly that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. gay.com, gardar.com you name it. There was this one time I was so close to agree to meet a man many years my older because I felt so alone. I didn't luckily...
It was at this time of darkness that my family really tried to reach out to me. They threw me a surprise birthday party for my 18th and hat night I was happy. I hadn't been happy for a long time. At that time I made the decision that living a gay lifestyle does not bring happiness and following what my family wanted for me would. So that's exactly what I tried to do.
It wasn't easy but I tried to pray again, to prepare to serve a mission. I promised God that if I were to stay in the Church I would serve with all my might and not just half heartedly go through the motions. So I decided to serve a mission. To this day I don't regret that decision. Although it certainly would've made my decisions today a bit easier to make (funnily enough I made a comment to my friend at Church today something along the lines of 'I wish I didn't serve a mission because it would make leaving the Church so much easier'.
I don't know if this song is fitting to describe my teenage years. But it was the dream I was chasing right?
So, I've decided to slowly trace back through from 'the beginning' of this journey for me. Oh and just FYI, this blog isn't completely about my gay life, I will include day to day posts too occasionally :)
Once upon a time....
I believe my earliest recollection of 'exploring' the gay world was when I was 16. I don't think it was an 'A-HA!' moment or anything... it was just a gradual realisation that I was attracted to men. I found myself looking more at Jack then Rose during the love scenes of Titanic... it was just... subconscious.
I began exploring online chatrooms and found this one chatroom called 'Mogenic'. It was fascinating. I was meeting people (online) left, right and centre however it was difficult to meet genuine people who just wanted to chat and make friends.
Then one day... I met a guy who used to be a Mormon! Ofcourse there was an instant connection. In fact we actually met up in real life soon after that and had a LONG chat. Despite the fact that he was totally cute and I had a massive crush on him, I thought there was something special - for once there was someone who understood what I was going through! The struggle between faith and sexuality (although his family had left the Church a few years ago which made his 'coming out' a whole lot less complicated). Long story short, our paths didn't cross as much as I had hoped. Maybe because I was still too confused and conflicted but occasionally we would correspond via email and I did meet him once more after that after my mission which I will get to in a future post. I still remember his invite to watch 'Latter Days' at his house one day which never happened (and I so desperately wanted it to). I did end up watching it though by myself. He (James) did play a huge part in my story because he was the first guy I confided my deepest feelings with.... and he was my first crush. More about him later.
This time was weird for me. I was still active in the Church however I felt like I wanted something different. I felt like I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted to be loved. I began to be quite rebellious (as rebellious as being Mormon can be :P). To the point where my Dad had to sit me down and have a stern conversation with me about where my life was leading and implied that if I still wanted to live under his roof I would have to live the Gospel. It may sound harsh but I guess I understand now why he was so adamant... back then ofcourse I was furious and it made me want to leave the Church even more. This was all before I had confirmed I was gay to anyone in my family.
So, after much contemplation and inspiration from reading many other fellow MoHo (still find this term kinda funny) bloggers, I've decided to start my own blog documenting this journey I'm on.
Sure, being gay and being Mormon doesn't completely define who I am but as other fellow gay Mormons would understand, it's quite a big part of your life.
So why have I decided to start blogging and pretty much post some of the most private parts of my life to the whole world (and gosh knows where else)? I think a big reason is from reading other bloggers with similar experiences to myself and realising how important it is for us to share our experiences because we don't know the lives we can touch out there. Although I am not perfect and far from finished with my journey, I want to be able to help others who are also on this journey and know that they are not alone. Also most of the bloggers I've read are from the US and perhaps maybe a gay Mormon posting from the southern hemisphere might give a different taste to this subject - yes! the worldwide gay Church is expanding beyond the US too :).
I may have to spend a bit of time back tracking my journey as it certainly hasn't just begun... so bear with me...
Who am I?
I am 25,
a 3rd generation Mormon,
a returned missionary,
a son,
a brother,
a man who is attracted to other men,
I am a (gay) Mormon.
Thanks for reading!
p.s. I apologise if advance for my lack of eloquence... I was never a really good writer... but it's the content that counts right? :)
