Sunday, 11 May 2014

In the beginning...

So, I've decided to slowly trace back through from 'the beginning' of this journey for me. Oh and just FYI, this blog isn't completely about my gay life, I will include day to day posts too occasionally :)

Once upon a time....

I believe my earliest recollection of 'exploring' the gay world was when I was 16. I don't think it was an 'A-HA!' moment or anything... it was just a gradual realisation that I was attracted to men. I found myself looking more at Jack then Rose during the love scenes of Titanic... it was just... subconscious.

I began exploring online chatrooms and found this one chatroom called 'Mogenic'. It was fascinating. I was meeting people (online) left, right and centre however it was difficult to meet genuine people who just wanted to chat and make friends.

Then one day... I met a guy who used to be a Mormon! Ofcourse there was an instant connection. In fact we actually met up in real life soon after that and had a LONG chat. Despite the fact that he was totally cute and I had a massive crush on him, I thought there was something special - for once there was someone who understood what I was going through! The struggle between faith and sexuality (although his family had left the Church a few years ago which made his 'coming out' a whole lot less complicated). Long story short, our paths didn't cross as much as I had hoped. Maybe because I was still too confused and conflicted but occasionally we would correspond via email and I did meet him once more after that after my mission which I will get to in a future post. I still remember his invite to watch 'Latter Days' at his house one day which never happened (and I so desperately wanted it to). I did end up watching it though by myself. He (James) did play a huge part in my story because he was the first guy I confided my deepest feelings with.... and he was my first crush. More about him later.

This time was weird for me. I was still active in the Church however I felt like I wanted something different. I felt like I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted to be loved. I began to be quite rebellious (as rebellious as being Mormon can be :P). To the point where my Dad had to sit me down and have a stern conversation with me about where my life was leading and implied that if I still wanted to live under his roof I would have to live the Gospel. It may sound harsh but I guess I understand now why he was so adamant... back then ofcourse I was furious and it made me want to leave the Church even more. This was all before I had confirmed I was gay to anyone in my family.

This leads to the first coming out..... be continued....

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