Sunday, 22 June 2014

Those teenage years and coming out.

Wow! So who would've thought keeping a blog would be so hard! Now I don't know where to start seeing as there's so much I need to catch up on!

Hmm... where to start.....

Well maybe a bit more about my story perhaps...

So continuing on where I had left off

Oh those teenage years.... how to describe them...

I remember my teenage years being a time when I was yearning for love, wanting to feel special and wanting so desperately to fall in love. I tried all I could to conform with the 'norm' and even dating girls. It just never felt right. All that came of  that was unfairness and heartbreak - and to this day I feel incredibly sorry for those that I hurt because I so desperately wanted to be straight.

Back in those days there wasn't smart phones  but luckily there was the internet and I found myself trying to meet guys there (not the best medium I must say). I briefly talking about Mogenic in my previous post.

Simultaneously at this time I remember Church was not a positive in my life. I felt like I was being judged all the time by leaders. My friends weren't particularly strong in the Gospel and in fact most of them were non-members. I recall an incident where a leader blatantly accused me in Sunday School of taking drugs... furious was an understatement. I remember going to Church but not actually being there. I didn't want to be there...

The first person I ever told about my SGA was my sister... her response really felt like knives to my heart. I still recall those words of 'you can change' and 'don't give up' still rings familiar in my mind today. I don't blame her because I would've probably done the same if our lives were reversed. Funnily enough that was the only conversation I ever had with my sister about the issue for 8 years.

The second person I told was my Mum. It was during this period when I did not want to go to Church anymore that I felt like my Mum knew. I think she always knew deep inside. I was probably a bit of a sensitive kid (and I really liked Sailor Moon :P). One Sunday morning when we drove to Church my Dad and sister went into class and my Mum and I sat in the car. My Mum wanted to know why I didn't want to come to Church anymore. Then those words came... she said... 'do you like boys?' We both cried in the car that morning and she also told me that i could change and that this wasn't who I am.

I didn't feel like anyone understood me. Definitely not anyone in my family anyways. This was a really dark time for me. I wanted to be loved so badly that I was looking for love in all the wrong places., you name it. There was this one time I was so close to agree to meet a man many years my older because I felt so alone. I didn't luckily...

It was at this time of darkness that my family really tried to reach out to me. They threw me a surprise birthday party for my 18th and hat night I was happy. I hadn't been happy for a long time. At that time I made the decision that living a gay lifestyle does not bring happiness and following what my family wanted for me would. So that's exactly what I tried to do.

It wasn't easy but I tried to pray again, to prepare to serve a mission. I promised God that if I were to stay in the Church I would serve with all my might and not just half heartedly go through the motions. So I decided to serve a mission. To this day I don't regret that decision. Although it certainly would've made my decisions today a bit easier to make (funnily enough I made a comment to my friend at Church today something along the lines of 'I wish I didn't serve a mission because it would make leaving the Church so much easier'.

I don't know if this song is fitting to describe my teenage years. But it was the dream I was chasing right?

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