Sunday, 28 December 2014

Home.

I've just returned home interstate after spending Christmas back home with my family and frankly, it's a bit lonely to be home by myself again. Funny how changes in circumstances can change how quickly you want to be home.

So it's been a week and a half of being single again... each day gets easier but certainly coming home was a challenge. I still think about him but being home does make it seem more real and concrete. My very good friend came over the day after I got back to help me get rid of some of his stuff which was good. It was hard. I think throwing the toothbrush out was probably the hardest part. I saw a note that he once wrote to me... I wanted to read it again but I knew it would hurt too much so I scrumped it up and I hesitated throwing it out... because I wanted to keep it as a memory... but I didn't because it would hurt too much.

'...someday when I stop loving you...'



I want to write a little bit about where I stand with my faith at the moment amongst everything else that is happening. I would be lying if I said it had no impact on my spiritual journey.

First of all, I told myself clearly when this was happening that I wasn't going to run back to Church just because I was 'compelled to be humble' or because it was convenient. I put up a brave face with my family in Sydney and told my sister that it was a mutual break up and that I felt completely fine. I'm sure she told my parents because they didn't make any mention of him for the remainder of the trip. I told my sister that regardless of this relationship ending, it doesn't change the fact that I want to find another relationship...

 The truth is... I don't know what I want anymore. I want to love again but will I? If I'm not going to then I might as well go back to Church, at least I can be somewhat happy there... Right?

Just to complicate things I came out to 2 other Church friends when I was in Sydney. One of them I planned to tell and the other it just kind of happened.

Friend 1: He clearly felt uncomfortable and in fact said to me that he was very homophobic but was trying to understand where I was coming from. He essentially in a nutshell implied that it is something that I need to overcome and that I must be an elect spirit to be faced with this challenge and that I could overcome it. I'm not a huge fan of the Church's explanation of this whole 'chosen generation' concept... I think it's just used to make you feel good and motivate you to do things. I think we had to agree to disagree a bit but we were both respectful.

Friend 2: She has always been someone that I look up to, a spiritual giant who helped me through many trials in my teenage years. She played a big role in my staying active in Church when I wanted to leave the first time around. I told her at the airport as she was seeing me off. We didn't really have much time to talk about it but we are going to Skype sometime soon to discuss it in more detail.

Maybe it's because I'm lonely and heartbroken... but I feel like I miss something that the Church gave me. Hope perhaps? I don't know...

A lot of food for thought. I certainly don't want to make any big decisions at the moment. I did however go to Church today, Sacrament and Sunday School. It was kind of mediocre. I've been thinking that maybe I should pray but perhaps it's pride but I don't want to come running back to God as soon as something goes wrong and go out and do what I want when things are going well. Perhaps I'm not ready to make a decision. I don't know. Right now, my priority is to get my spirits back up and hopefully deal with this breakup.





2 comments:

  1. At the end of the day, you need to do what feels right for you. Whether that is returning to the Church, or not. I am also a gay man with a strong LDS background (four generations), returned missionary, graduated from BYU, extended family who are very active. While I am old enough to be your father, I definitely know where you are coming from and what you are feeling.

    First, about the breakup. I know it is awful. I have been there. We all have. But you are moving in the right direction if your priority is on getting your spirits back up. Breakups are just a part of life until you find the person who you will spend the rest of your life with. Everyone goes through breakups, so you are not alone in that regard. It is the price we pay to find our life partners. You are still young so you have plenty of time to find the right one for you. Until then, enjoy the men you meet along the way. Don't become bitter. Keep a positive attitude.

    As for whether or not you should return to the Church, you basically have two options if you want to be a temple-worthy member. Remain celibate and alone for the rest of your life, or find an LDS woman willing to take on a gay husband. While those options are okay with some, in my case neither were right for me.

    I have not attended Church for 25 years and have no regrets about that. I am very happily married to my husband. I have no desire to worship with people who would excommunicate me because of my marriage vows to my husband. I am not a murderer. I am not a thief. I am not a violent person. I try to treat those around me with love and respect. And the one person to whom I give my whole - body and soul - just happens to be the same sex. I do not think that makes me a bad person. If the Church does, that is the Church's problem, not mine. Personally, I believe that God is more concerned about whether or not we love our neighbors than the gender of our spouses.

    So my advice to you is keep your chin up. When the time is right start dating again. Look for guys who, like you, are looking for something serious and long term. If praying to God makes you feel better, then do it. But you do not have to be attending sacrament meeting to do that. And you do not need to go to Church to be a good person. Only go to Church if it is a place where you feel welcomed and fully valued, and if it is a place that gives you deep fulfillment that you are unable to find elsewhere. Good luck!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your wise words Edward!

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