It wouldn't be a mission if I didn't attach this song to it ;)
I served in the Great White North from 2007 - 2009.
It certainly wasn't an easy time but to me, those times have been some of the happiest times of my life. I felt like I could for once put my sexual identity behind me and serve the Lord with all my heart, might, mind and strength.
I had all sorts of companions;
-weird, diligent, amazing, annoying, socially awkward, faithful, funny, etc etc... you catch my drift! I love them all (by the end of it)
It was such an amazing opportunity to put things behind you and just focus on sharing the Gospel. Although some of my views may have changed a little bit, I still don't regret serving a mission and am grateful for everything the mission taught me. I don't think I would be the person I am today if I didn't serve a mission. I met some of the most amazing people and even though we haven't kept in touch as much as I would've liked, some have changed my life so much.
I've forgotten a lot of my mission... it has been about 5 years ago! WOAH!
Sitting here writing this blog I've tried to think of some memories and some of it is coming back... I think going through my mission journals is due!
As wonderful and amazing as my mission was, like all good things, they have to come to an end.
I really wanted to move to Utah after my mission and study at BYU - sometimes I wonder if my life would be any different now if I had chosen that path. I didn't though. I went back to University in Australia and continued my degree.
Wow! So who would've thought keeping a blog would be so hard! Now I don't know where to start seeing as there's so much I need to catch up on!
Hmm... where to start.....
Well maybe a bit more about my story perhaps...
So continuing on where I had left off
Oh those teenage years.... how to describe them...
I remember my teenage years being a time when I was yearning for love, wanting to feel special and wanting so desperately to fall in love. I tried all I could to conform with the 'norm' and even dating girls. It just never felt right. All that came of that was unfairness and heartbreak - and to this day I feel incredibly sorry for those that I hurt because I so desperately wanted to be straight.
Back in those days there wasn't smart phones but luckily there was the internet and I found myself trying to meet guys there (not the best medium I must say). I briefly talking about Mogenic in my previous post.
Simultaneously at this time I remember Church was not a positive in my life. I felt like I was being judged all the time by leaders. My friends weren't particularly strong in the Gospel and in fact most of them were non-members. I recall an incident where a leader blatantly accused me in Sunday School of taking drugs... furious was an understatement. I remember going to Church but not actually being there. I didn't want to be there...
The first person I ever told about my SGA was my sister... her response really felt like knives to my heart. I still recall those words of 'you can change' and 'don't give up' still rings familiar in my mind today. I don't blame her because I would've probably done the same if our lives were reversed. Funnily enough that was the only conversation I ever had with my sister about the issue for 8 years.
The second person I told was my Mum. It was during this period when I did not want to go to Church anymore that I felt like my Mum knew. I think she always knew deep inside. I was probably a bit of a sensitive kid (and I really liked Sailor Moon :P). One Sunday morning when we drove to Church my Dad and sister went into class and my Mum and I sat in the car. My Mum wanted to know why I didn't want to come to Church anymore. Then those words came... she said... 'do you like boys?' We both cried in the car that morning and she also told me that i could change and that this wasn't who I am.
I didn't feel like anyone understood me. Definitely not anyone in my family anyways. This was a really dark time for me. I wanted to be loved so badly that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. gay.com, gardar.com you name it. There was this one time I was so close to agree to meet a man many years my older because I felt so alone. I didn't luckily...
It was at this time of darkness that my family really tried to reach out to me. They threw me a surprise birthday party for my 18th and hat night I was happy. I hadn't been happy for a long time. At that time I made the decision that living a gay lifestyle does not bring happiness and following what my family wanted for me would. So that's exactly what I tried to do.
It wasn't easy but I tried to pray again, to prepare to serve a mission. I promised God that if I were to stay in the Church I would serve with all my might and not just half heartedly go through the motions. So I decided to serve a mission. To this day I don't regret that decision. Although it certainly would've made my decisions today a bit easier to make (funnily enough I made a comment to my friend at Church today something along the lines of 'I wish I didn't serve a mission because it would make leaving the Church so much easier'.
I don't know if this song is fitting to describe my teenage years. But it was the dream I was chasing right?
So, I've decided to slowly trace back through from 'the beginning' of this journey for me. Oh and just FYI, this blog isn't completely about my gay life, I will include day to day posts too occasionally :)
Once upon a time....
I believe my earliest recollection of 'exploring' the gay world was when I was 16. I don't think it was an 'A-HA!' moment or anything... it was just a gradual realisation that I was attracted to men. I found myself looking more at Jack then Rose during the love scenes of Titanic... it was just... subconscious.
I began exploring online chatrooms and found this one chatroom called 'Mogenic'. It was fascinating. I was meeting people (online) left, right and centre however it was difficult to meet genuine people who just wanted to chat and make friends.
Then one day... I met a guy who used to be a Mormon! Ofcourse there was an instant connection. In fact we actually met up in real life soon after that and had a LONG chat. Despite the fact that he was totally cute and I had a massive crush on him, I thought there was something special - for once there was someone who understood what I was going through! The struggle between faith and sexuality (although his family had left the Church a few years ago which made his 'coming out' a whole lot less complicated). Long story short, our paths didn't cross as much as I had hoped. Maybe because I was still too confused and conflicted but occasionally we would correspond via email and I did meet him once more after that after my mission which I will get to in a future post. I still remember his invite to watch 'Latter Days' at his house one day which never happened (and I so desperately wanted it to). I did end up watching it though by myself. He (James) did play a huge part in my story because he was the first guy I confided my deepest feelings with.... and he was my first crush. More about him later.
This time was weird for me. I was still active in the Church however I felt like I wanted something different. I felt like I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted to be loved. I began to be quite rebellious (as rebellious as being Mormon can be :P). To the point where my Dad had to sit me down and have a stern conversation with me about where my life was leading and implied that if I still wanted to live under his roof I would have to live the Gospel. It may sound harsh but I guess I understand now why he was so adamant... back then ofcourse I was furious and it made me want to leave the Church even more. This was all before I had confirmed I was gay to anyone in my family.
So, after much contemplation and inspiration from reading many other fellow MoHo (still find this term kinda funny) bloggers, I've decided to start my own blog documenting this journey I'm on.
Sure, being gay and being Mormon doesn't completely define who I am but as other fellow gay Mormons would understand, it's quite a big part of your life.
So why have I decided to start blogging and pretty much post some of the most private parts of my life to the whole world (and gosh knows where else)? I think a big reason is from reading other bloggers with similar experiences to myself and realising how important it is for us to share our experiences because we don't know the lives we can touch out there. Although I am not perfect and far from finished with my journey, I want to be able to help others who are also on this journey and know that they are not alone. Also most of the bloggers I've read are from the US and perhaps maybe a gay Mormon posting from the southern hemisphere might give a different taste to this subject - yes! the worldwide gay Church is expanding beyond the US too :).
I may have to spend a bit of time back tracking my journey as it certainly hasn't just begun... so bear with me...
Who am I?
I am 25,
a 3rd generation Mormon,
a returned missionary,
a son,
a brother,
a man who is attracted to other men,
I am a (gay) Mormon.
Thanks for reading!
p.s. I apologise if advance for my lack of eloquence... I was never a really good writer... but it's the content that counts right? :)
