The Road to Inactivity

It's been a long time coming but I'm finally ready to say that I am full fledged inactive.

I realised I haven't posted in a while and that maybe in part due to my busy schedule lately but also due to the fact that the Gospel actually doesn't cross my mind as much as it used to.

I went to Church last week for the first time in... about 2 months because my Home Teachers texted me and asked if they could share a message with me after Church on Sunday. I actually stayed for the whole 3 hours... I felt nothing. While my HT started sharing their message, they began asking me questions about how to have courage in defending my standards and beliefs and I thought it would be very hypocritical of me to lie about it so I told my HT that I didn't believe in the Gospel anymore. They really didn't know how to respond, I don't think they saw it coming but it felt good to be honest. There is so much power if verbalising thoughts that your mind has pondered for so long.

I think about my path to inactivity a lot and look at where I am now... how the hell did I get to where I am now?? Not in a bad way... I just can't comprehend how I managed to successfully breakaway from the Church while still feeling satisfied in my life and not harbouring any harsh feelings towards the Church.

I've written this post mostly due to reading some other posts by fellow MoHos and reading about the all too familiar struggles that they're going through. I remember being in the exact same position and remember feeling how I could ever be at peace with a decision and be happy. I thought I had found it when I decided to live the Gospel with all my heart and stay faithful the rest of my life... I think I gave it a good shot. Although I can't and won't try to convince others of what to do, I can only share what my experience has been hoping it could give some insight into what 'could' be on the other side.

Growing Up:

I was such a good kid growing up. Always wanted to serve a mission, always did the right thing. Served as Deacon and Teacher's Quorum President and also the Assistant in the Priest Quorum. I gained my first 'testimony' at 14 - I use quotation marks because my interpretation of a testimony and the experiences I had may not be defined in the same way the Church defines testimony. It was still a special experience for me but I won't go into details here.

I dated girls growing up and I really thought I would live a happy fulfilling life in the Gospel and get married. Minus a few hiccups along the way during my rebellious teenage years, I was quite grounded in the Gospel. I promised the Lord that if I were to stay in the Gospel, it wouldn't be a half-assed attempt and that I would do it with all my heart and do everything He would want me to do. I served the most fulfilling 2 year mission I could've ever asked. I didn't have to think about girls, relationships or marriage. It was all about serving the Lord and that was probably why I loved it so much.

Post Mission:

After my mission I still tried really hard to live the Gospel. I was called to be the Ward Mission Leader when I got home, I was also teaching Elder's Quorum and became an EFY counsellor soon after I returned home. I dated but could never commit to any girl because I just didn't feel anything. I just kept serving in the Church. I remember I would go out teaching with the missionaries at least 3 times a week and amongst studying and working, I wouldn't have time to 'have a girlfriend'.

I continued like this for a few years. I was feeling somewhat fulfilled because I had great friends. I knew something was missing though. I couldn't put my finger on it but something was missing...

Self Exploration:

After graduating from university, I moved interstate which was probably a pivotal moment in my life because I didn't have my family and friends around and expectations to live up to. I wanted to explore a new life, a new me. Funnily enough... I started going to Church when I moved interstate and started making friends in Church because I had no idea where else to make friends or what else to do. I was like a fish out of water, I had no idea how people made friends outside of Church.

Right around this time I also met my first boyfriend. We had a 'discreet' relationship as I was still in the closet and while it probably wasn't the best looking back it helped me realise that maybe this could work. I wasn't totally convinced though and I was too scared to let go of the Church.. something so familiar and safe to me. But this was the first time I had a taste of what the other side could be like... I liked it... but I couldn't see myself at this point leaving the Church and living a 'gay lifestyle'. Nevertheless, my Church activity began to waiver, I still went but I began missing weeks here and there.

Coming Out:

Coming out to my friends and family (again) was a huge step for me in discovering myself and what I wanted. It wasn't an easy process and certainly it wasn't easy for my family either. It has been quite an adjustment for them as well (and I think an ongoing adjustment). If anything, I felt like I can now be honest with myself, I can go and discover what it is a really want and whether it was worth it. I started meeting with Bishop who was nothing but supportive. We tried many different things such as reading my scriptures and praying, nothing seemed to give me the peace I was looking for.

At this time, the Gospel probably moved more to the back burner for me. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be loved. I want to love someone. This was when I met my second boyfriend who in my opinion played quite a bit role in my life even though we were only together for a short 3 months (it felt like a lot longer). He pushed me out of my comfort zone, we kissed in public, we held hands in public and we lived a 'normal' life. It showed me that a partnership wasn't just the promiscuity or the secret relationships, I could live happily with my partner and live a normal life. The relationship as mentioned before was short lived but what surprisingly remained with me was the will power to not go crawling back to Church. I needed to discover who I was and what I believed.

Cross Roads: 

My meetings with Bishop became less frequent but because I didn't want to talk to him because I really enjoy our meetings, just that I didn't feel the need to anymore. I started questioning why I believed the way I did. I began to ask questions, questions that I couldn't find the answer to in the Gospel. I started to have doubts, (and if anyone says to be again 'doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith' I'm going to punch them). We should be encouraged to question BOTH our doubts and our faith - neglecting to question one or the other just means it's blind and we're only scared of what the answer might bring which in my case I was scared for so long... scared to see what my life would be like without the warm, fuzzy comforting blanket of the Gospel I'd believed all my life.

It all began with a seed of question and it begins to grow just as the same principle the Church uses about faith. I slowly began to question the reason WHY I believed what I did growing up. i wanted answers; I couldn't find any. I tried testing this faith principle oppositely - what if the Gospel wasn't true? What if God doesn't condemn me being with another man? To be completely honest, I feel more at peace with the thought that God would love me regardless. The Gospel taught me who God was... but I really had to find what that means for me.

Inactive Mormon:

Step my step, little by little, I began re-framing my life. I don't have all the answers and I don't know everything but I am at peace. I began going to Church less... (2 day weekend is actually amazing!!) I actually don't even have a second thought when I buy something on Sunday.

I recounted an experience with my HT on Sunday which I'd pondered about a lot. It was an experience from my mission when I visited a less active family. Lovely family, long history in the Church infact their ancestors were pioneers. A few years prior to me getting to the area they had dabbled in 'anti-mormon' material and had gone less active. I remember distinctly sitting with this family asking them what they believe now. They answered they didn't know. I thought to myself, 'man, how stupid is that? Why would you give up something you know for the unknown?' I remember talking to my companion afterwards about how stupid we thought that was and swore we would never leave the Church. I retold this story to my HT because I was wrong those years ago. Just because you're afraid of the unknown, doesn't mean you have to hold onto something you're not even sure is true.

So there you have it. I never knew this day would come. I can't even comprehend it sometimes... it's a bit surreal thinking about it really. The best thing is... this is solely my decision, it hasn't been influenced by a partner or a friend. I am choosing this other path even though I don't know what it means... and guess what? I'm exciting to see what it brings and the adventures that will come along with it. Everyone's journey is different and I'm all for everyone taking a different journey so long as it brings them peace.

An Old Acquaintance... A New Friend

So the past week had a bit of a blast from the past experience.

Let me rewind 12 years to my first year of seminary in 2002. I was a timid, shy 14 year old attending my first year of seminary. 6am in the morning (yes, we didn't have the privilege of seminary during school in Australia), I would unwillingly get up out of bed and get driven to Church. I never really paid much attention to other people in my class much mainly because I was half asleep most of the time. I don't think I was aware I was gay back then either but I do remember a very good looking guy in the class. We never really spoke but he was friends with my sister who was also in the same class so I knew who he was.

He was only there for my first year of seminary and I found out that he and his family moved interstate later that year. That was the last I'd heard from him until last week.

I was google-ing 'gay mormon australia' wondering what would come up and this radio interview came up. The interview featured an ex-Mormon talking about his experience. I was obviously intrigued by the subject and listened to the interview. I came across a picture of the guy being interviewed..... you guessed it! It was that guy from seminary 12 years ago!!

I stalked him on Facebook and sent him a messaging wondering if he would remember me from seminary... he did and we caught up for a chat. Interestingly enough, we both moved interstate and ended up in the same State years later, in fact we had both moved to the same city 2 years ago.

So we met up for a meal and chatted about what our lives for the past 12 years. Oh wait... did I not mention that he was also gay? Haha! I'm sure you would've picked that up already. Either way, it was good to hear him talk about what his views were on the Gospel. I found that my views were moving in a very similar direction. We're going to go to a few things together which will be great because I'm way too nervous to go by myself.

A few themes came out of that visit that really got me thinking and ultimately helped me clear things up on where I stand in the Gospel at the moment.

We both talked about the many years we spent praying, hoping that things would change, be different. We served faithfully in the Church, served a mission and tried dating girls. Countless tears shed and time spent on our knees wishing we would be different. We both came to similar conclusions in our own times;

If the Gospel were true, we would be judged according to our acts but also the desires of our hearts. Only God would know how hard we've tried to overcome this and the many years of pain we went through. We believe he would have mercy on us. The way I see it is, the Plan of Salvation is planned so that we will end up somewhere we will be happy and if I can be happy in this life then I'll be find whichever kingdom I end up in because I will be happy there. Our activity in Church isn't a direct reflection on how good of a person we are. We can still be a good person and that's what matters. 

At the same time, we both do have a lot of doctrinal issues with the Gospel which I won't expound on here.


All in all, I think this experience gave me the push that I needed to finally get off the fence and make a crucial decision.... I'll save that for another post.

Initiating Physical Intimacy.

Sometimes I feel like I'm only living through my teenage years now in regards to dating.

During my teenage years as I was trying desperately to date girls, I felt like I never really got to follow my instincts in what I actually really wanted to do especially when it came to physical intimacy on dates. You watch movies and you see the guy sneakily put his arm around the girl during the movie - smooth. I never had that because I never wanted to with girls. That's why I feel like I'm only living that stage of life now as I try to date guys... I get petrified of how to make a move.

That brings me to my date last night.

It was date #2 for us.

We texted a little bit during the week but not a whole lot. I didn't know how he felt and I'm sure he didn't really know how I felt. We were supposed to go ice skating on Wednesday but we had to cancelled because something came up for him so we re-scheduled to Friday night.

I must say I was a bit nervous about the plans because we couldn't really find a time that worked for both of us so we decided the best time was meeting up Friday night after his show which finished at 10pm. We decided to watch a movie at my house.

I picked him up from the theatre; we shared a quick hello hug and jumped in my car. We chatted casually about the week gone by which was nice.

We stopped by Subway to grab some take away dinner while we watched the movie because we were somewhat on a time schedule. You see, he didn't drive and he lives about an hour away from me and he was planning on catching a train home last night (the last one being at 1am). I would've given him a ride but I had work earlier on Saturday morning so I really needed to sleep... plus this date was wayyyy past my bedtime.

Anyways, we got home and put on a movie and ate our dinner... this is how it started....

We started on separate ends of the couch. My heart was pounding... do I move closer? Do I make a move? Does he want me to? Slowly I inch closer and closer... our legs would brush occasionally and I would put my hand on the couch next to me kinda like that picture up there. It was quite the 'typical' teenage dates most people went through during high school. I can't remember a specific point but somehow my arm just ended up around him and he put his head on my shoulder and his hand on my lap and our other hands linked together.

The movie finished and we continue to sit in that position and chat and it felt great. There were moments when our faces inched closer but it didn't happen.... yet. Either way, by the time the movie finished it was past 1am so I offered him to stay over (on the couch). He kindly accepted.

We continued to talk and eventually when we got up we just stood there and hugged... then we looked each other in the eyes... and it happened. We kissed... it was brief but it was sweet.

We got ready for bed and I offered for him to stay in my bed - WHAT THE HELL?! What did I just do? I was 100% certain I didn't want anything to get too heated because that just wasn't me - in the words of Kelly Clarkson: "I do not hook up". Then there I was with a guy I had just met for the second time... in my bed.

Believe it or not, nothing happened. I have so much more respect for him that he didn't make further advancements and proud that I didn't myself. We spooned and talked and fell asleep hours later.

So this is how it ended.

It was nice waking up next to someone. I really miss it. Although now comes the awkward part.

What are we now?

I don't have the answer. This morning was kind of rushed because I had to get ready for work and get to work so it wasn't my ideal way to end the date. I really hope I see him again.

I guess there's still a lot more of the dating phases to go through but it has been nice thus far.

(Come on! Text me!)

I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about my dating life by now! If not, stay tuned!

Dates, dates and more dates

So I was half way through writing a post for my last date and then got distracted (been a busy week!)

Since then, I've been on another date and interestingly enough it gives me a bit more incite into reviewing the first date.

So here it goes:

Date #1:

So I had been talking to this guy on the phone for a couple of days before we met up last Thursday night for dinner. When I saw him there wasn't any instant physical chemistry and to be honest there was probably zero physical attraction there. Nevertheless, I wanted to get to know him because looks aren't everything and we did have good conversations over the phone.

We met up just around the corner from my house and walked to the dumpling restaurant just around the corner. We had some good conversations and laughed a bit during the night. It was quite positive overall except for the lack of physical attraction.

After dinner we parted ways at the street corner of my house, just said our pleasantries and say goodnight, no goodnight kiss, hug or even a handshake. It was actually quite awkward. The date really caused me to reflect on what I was looking for and what I wanted. Was I looking for a good guy to settle down with or was I looking for a hot guy? I've never considered myself to be shallow in any way but for once in my life... I'm feeling shallow because the only thing negative about the date was the lack of physical attraction. I didn't want that to be me so I wanted to give it another try so I texted him the next day and said I'm not really sure how I feel yet but I would like to get to know him more. I guess the other thing that freaked me out is that this guy is about to have a kid! Crazy I know! So I mean he's seriously looking for someone to settle down with which I'm totally up for... but a kid?? Now?? I mean I would love kids but I think it would be a bit of a strain to have a kid this early!

Ether way, we've exchanged a few phone calls since and it's been pleasant and I'm open to seeing him again.

Date #2:

So I've been texting this guy for about a week now and we decided to meet up for dinner last night. He's a performer *swoon* so I was meeting him after a show last night at around 5pm. We met up and decided to have dinner first at a cafe. I was instantly smitten by his beaming smile and his horrible Dad jokes that he proceeded to tell during dinner. We finished dinner and grabbed ice cream and sat by the pier and talked while we ate our ice cream, it was quite romantic actually. It was also getting cold so we made our way back to the car and I offered to give him a ride home (he lived about an hour from where I live) so on the car ride it was a good time to talk and stuff. During the car ride we decided to go bowling because let's face it, who doesn't love bowling (we're sounding so Mormon aren't we? Ice cream and bowling for the first date!)

We got to bowling and had a blast teasing each other and it was fun. He beat me in the first game and I beat him in the second so we were pretty even. Then  drove him home. Oh I hate this part... such awkwardness... what do you do... so we chatted for a bit in the car and then we were kinda like, 'oookkkaaayy well thanks for a good night, I better go' and then we sat there for a few more seconds in silence as if we're waiting for the other person to make a move. Eventually he put his arms out to give me a hug and we just hugged for a few brief seconds in the car. I had the biggest smile on my face driving home singing along to show tunes.

I texted him when i got home because I hated paying the 'whose turn is it to text' game. It did take some convincing from my friend though... you know... you don't want to sound too desperate but if you don't put yourself out there you'll never know. Oh and we have a second date :) We're going ice skating this week.

The scary thing was... a lot of my insecurities started to show itself again... a lot of bad memories from my last relationship and how things would go wrong. I started even questioning whether or not I want a relationship and I'm sure that's really a way to protect myself from being hurt again.

I feel like there's so many more expectations for a follow up date as well. Do I kiss him? Are we meant to vocalise interest? Do I touch his hand? Oh I don't know!! I said I was bad at this dating thing!!

Stay tuned for how the second date goes.

Date #3:

I was meant to met up with this guy for a drink tonight which I didn't really didn't feel like after my date last night but I felt like I had to because I don't want to stand someone up. Thankfully he had to cancel but we were going to reschedule for sometimes this week... I know it's just a casual date but I just don't feel like serial dating - maybe that's why I failed at being a Mormon.

So I don't know where this one is at now but I'm hoping nothing happens...


Thoughts...

So there you have it. I was on a dating drought and now I'm serial dating!

Dating is just such an intriguing activity. Sometimes you feel like you're going crazy or that you are crazy! Please reassure me that I'm not the only one like this, haha! Either way, I'm trying to remain calm and collected. I think I do have a tendency to settle sometimes or be blinded by the the excitement of it all but really... there is no logic to love and relationships, perhaps it's one of those things like the spirit... you can't explain it, you can only feel it.  

I love turning to wikihow in these instances!
http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-If-a-Guy-Likes-You-%28Guys%29

Sometimes I'd rather have these dates:

#FirstDates

Here I am sitting nervously waiting to go on my first date with this new guy I've been talking to. I have about 15 minutes to kill before I need to leave so why not bog about my anxieties in the hope that it would calm it a bit.

One thing you have to know about me is... I suck at dating! Maybe it's the whole Mormon upbringing where you assume dating is just asking a girl to dinner and you have a great conversation and that's it. Casual dating right? Different YSA every weekend until I don't know, there's just this spark and you know that she's the one you want to take to the temple? Definitely not the story of my life...

So I met this guy on a dating site last week and we've exchanged a few phone calls during the week which were all very pleasant. Then you begin to imagine what life with him would look like - WAIT, you haven't even seen him yet! There are so many expectations with online dating and whilst I've been very clear with this guy that we are going to meet without expectations and as friends, I'm sure both of us have expectations somewhat. Will he likes me? Will I like him? Will I find him attractive? Will we have anything to talk about? Will we get along? Will I run into someone I know? Will it be awkward? What if one of us is interested and the other one isn't? So many 'what if's'!!

I guess I'll find out in 15 minutes! Yikes!

Stay tuned and wish me luck!

A Father's Love

I was wanting to post about my first experience going to an LGBT social group this past week but something happened yesterday that has taken precedence.

So I was on the phone to my Dad a few days ago and he made a comment to me in passing that took me a bit (or A LOT) by surprise. So we were talking about my new house (yes I bought a house, hooray!), he said in passing 'make sure you check the legal stuff around ownership of the house because there's some circumstances where if you live with someone for over 6 months they might have claim on it so when you live with your partner make sure you check all that out'. WHAT?! Did I just hear him correctly? My Dad who serviced as my Bishop when I was a teenager and still very active in Chuch, has commented on me having a 'partner' and talking about us living together?! I was gobsmacked! What caught me even more off guard was he said it so casually as if he didn't feel uncomfortable at all about the topic, (I actually felt like I was more uncomfortable than he was).

A bit of background on my relationship with my Dad...

My Dad is an intelligent and logical person. He rarely loses his temper and only a handful of times do I remember him lose his temper. He is somewhat of a conservative person in regards to showing emotion and I only do remember a handful of times he has verbalised that he 'loves' me. Despite the lack of verbal reassurance, there has never been any doubt in my mind that my Dad has an immense love for his family.

My Dad was always the one to approach if I wanted permission to go out with friends when I was younger. He was certainly more chill than my Mum but when it came to morals and values, he was as ancient as ancient gets.

During my first bout of rebellion (when I was on the verge of coming out at 17) my I distinctly remember my Dad sitting me in a room as stern as he had ever been letting me know that he could not allow anything contrary to the Gospel live under his roof. I was furious and contemplated running away from home as a naive 17 year old. I knew he said it out of love but my mind back then could not comprehend that. I'm sure he was only bluffing.

When I served a mission, my Dad was so proud because he valued his mission so much he wanted me to feel the same. We wrote regularly during my 2 year service and I felt like we grew closer together. My Dad was much better at showing emotion through letters than he was verbally and I felt like my mission helped me show my love for my family more.

Upon returning, we experienced some difficulties as our viewpoints on Gospel doctrines seemed to differ a bit. Our conversations became a bit more mundane and surface-y. So even now, although we have a great love for each other, we rarely verbalise it. We talk about sport, gossip amongst relatives, food, the weather even! Rarely about things that were close to our hearts.

When I started seeing this guy from last year, I knew I had to tell my family and I always dreaded telling my Dad because in my mind he would never approve. My sister told me to start with my Dad because she felt like he wold take it easier than Mum would so when my Dad was visiting me on one of his business trips I decided to take the opportunity....

We sat in the car as he was dropping me home from dinner... I told him I had something tell him.... I didn't know how to say it! I was 'umm-ing' and 'errr-ing' for about a good 15 minutes before I finally told him. He didn't react in any obvious way (no overwhelming love or disgust/hate). He was calm and just questioned my testimony and lectured me a bit about still keeping commandments. I was somewhat disappointed that he didn't show more love toward me but then again, it was much better than what I had expected... after that conversation that night in October, the subject was never mentioned again......

.....UNTIL THAT COMMENT! And he hasn't treated me any differently since!

I'm so grateful for the family that I have... even though we have our challenges, I know that he love me no matter what (even though they don't want to say it because it will feel like they condone my choices).

To everyone out there who are afraid to tell their parents, just hang in there! It seems like a scary and daunting thing to tell them but they might surprise you. That being said I think timing is very important as it was for me and my family so just take it at your own time and pace - when YOU are ready :)

I love this video so much and it was something that really helped me get to where I am now.

#BestBishopEver #Hope.

This past week I met with my Bishop. We've been meeting since March last year (2014) and we try to get together monthly however scheduling conflicts and the end of year craziness made it difficult to catch up during the latter part of the year.

The last time I met with him was September, I remember I called him and wanted to speak to him because I had just gone on a date with a guy whom I liked very much, (we subsequently dated for about 3 months). So really, lots has happened since our last meeting.

I got to the chapel 10 minutes early and ran into the senior couple missionary serving in our ward. We made small talk but man those missionaries are forward! He starts off asking me if I was a member to which I answered 'yes'. he then said 'oh, I've never seen you here before'. Right... this has gotten a bit awkward... because I sort of have been there most weeks. Either way, Bishop turned up 5 minutes later and rescued me from an awkward conversation.

We walked into his office and sat down. I used to get really nervous entering the Bishop's office because I knew he was going to ask me those difficult questions and I would always have to panic over how truthful I was answering the Law of Chastity question. Now I just feel so peaceful because I had nothing to hide from Bishop because he knew everything about me.

We made some small talk and general banter about how our Christmas' were and the time we spent on holidays. He then asked the big-vague-can be interpreted in anyways-all encompassing question: 'so how are things going?' I knew what the question was referring to of course so out came my life in a nutshell over the past 4 months; falling in love, beginning a relationship, breaking up, coming out to my family, coming out to my friends and being somewhat inactive.

It was during this talk with him that I came to a profound self realisation. I have been happy. Despite not living the commandments of the Church, not attending Church regularly, praying or reading my scripture, I have been the happiest I have been in a long time. Even after my relationship ended (minus the grieving period right after the breakup), I'm still happy. I feel like there is hope is my life, hope for the future and for more happiness. This was an important moment for me because I was always fearful that my life would be miserable without the Church and while there are aspects I do miss in the Church, I am overall satisfied with life the way it is at the moment.

What Bishop went on to say gave me hope that perhaps one day, gay Mormons growing up in Church will have it easier then those that have past. Bishop reassured me that this happiness I've found is great. He went on to tell me that he'd been thinking a lot about the topic ever since we started meeting and that it has opened up his eyes and mind to this topic. He told me that he's been thinking about whether or not being gay and being in Church had to be mutually exclusive. He told me that it was good that I wanted to find fulfilling relationships in my life but did that mean I had to throw away the Gospel that I obviously still hold onto. He then proceeding to tell me an experience he'd had over Christmas when he met with a friend who was also a Bishop elsewhere. They got talking on the topic of homosexuality and this other Bishop told him that there was an openly gay couple in the ward he presides over. Members of the ward knew about it and just welcomed them in as anyone would. Bishop did acknowledge that it would be difficult and did not know exactly how it would work but he just emphasised that everyone should be welcomed into Church regardless - everyone is a sinner and sin differently so why should one be judged over another. Bishop certainly didn't say this is what I had to do but simply expressing thoughts that had been going through his mind.

Sure the process isn't that straight forward and I know there would be a lot of challenges but which path in life doesn't have challenges? I didn't feel like he was preaching to me one bit during our talk but simple empathy, understanding and love.

I am hopeful that Church members can emulate those Christlike attributes of love and acceptance as my Bishop so wonderfully showed me this past week. I hope the future of being gay and Mormon won't be as difficult as it has been for generations past.

Hope is a powerful thing and so long as we can continue to hope, there will be happiness.