Dates, dates and more dates

So I was half way through writing a post for my last date and then got distracted (been a busy week!)

Since then, I've been on another date and interestingly enough it gives me a bit more incite into reviewing the first date.

So here it goes:

Date #1:

So I had been talking to this guy on the phone for a couple of days before we met up last Thursday night for dinner. When I saw him there wasn't any instant physical chemistry and to be honest there was probably zero physical attraction there. Nevertheless, I wanted to get to know him because looks aren't everything and we did have good conversations over the phone.

We met up just around the corner from my house and walked to the dumpling restaurant just around the corner. We had some good conversations and laughed a bit during the night. It was quite positive overall except for the lack of physical attraction.

After dinner we parted ways at the street corner of my house, just said our pleasantries and say goodnight, no goodnight kiss, hug or even a handshake. It was actually quite awkward. The date really caused me to reflect on what I was looking for and what I wanted. Was I looking for a good guy to settle down with or was I looking for a hot guy? I've never considered myself to be shallow in any way but for once in my life... I'm feeling shallow because the only thing negative about the date was the lack of physical attraction. I didn't want that to be me so I wanted to give it another try so I texted him the next day and said I'm not really sure how I feel yet but I would like to get to know him more. I guess the other thing that freaked me out is that this guy is about to have a kid! Crazy I know! So I mean he's seriously looking for someone to settle down with which I'm totally up for... but a kid?? Now?? I mean I would love kids but I think it would be a bit of a strain to have a kid this early!

Ether way, we've exchanged a few phone calls since and it's been pleasant and I'm open to seeing him again.

Date #2:

So I've been texting this guy for about a week now and we decided to meet up for dinner last night. He's a performer *swoon* so I was meeting him after a show last night at around 5pm. We met up and decided to have dinner first at a cafe. I was instantly smitten by his beaming smile and his horrible Dad jokes that he proceeded to tell during dinner. We finished dinner and grabbed ice cream and sat by the pier and talked while we ate our ice cream, it was quite romantic actually. It was also getting cold so we made our way back to the car and I offered to give him a ride home (he lived about an hour from where I live) so on the car ride it was a good time to talk and stuff. During the car ride we decided to go bowling because let's face it, who doesn't love bowling (we're sounding so Mormon aren't we? Ice cream and bowling for the first date!)

We got to bowling and had a blast teasing each other and it was fun. He beat me in the first game and I beat him in the second so we were pretty even. Then  drove him home. Oh I hate this part... such awkwardness... what do you do... so we chatted for a bit in the car and then we were kinda like, 'oookkkaaayy well thanks for a good night, I better go' and then we sat there for a few more seconds in silence as if we're waiting for the other person to make a move. Eventually he put his arms out to give me a hug and we just hugged for a few brief seconds in the car. I had the biggest smile on my face driving home singing along to show tunes.

I texted him when i got home because I hated paying the 'whose turn is it to text' game. It did take some convincing from my friend though... you know... you don't want to sound too desperate but if you don't put yourself out there you'll never know. Oh and we have a second date :) We're going ice skating this week.

The scary thing was... a lot of my insecurities started to show itself again... a lot of bad memories from my last relationship and how things would go wrong. I started even questioning whether or not I want a relationship and I'm sure that's really a way to protect myself from being hurt again.

I feel like there's so many more expectations for a follow up date as well. Do I kiss him? Are we meant to vocalise interest? Do I touch his hand? Oh I don't know!! I said I was bad at this dating thing!!

Stay tuned for how the second date goes.

Date #3:

I was meant to met up with this guy for a drink tonight which I didn't really didn't feel like after my date last night but I felt like I had to because I don't want to stand someone up. Thankfully he had to cancel but we were going to reschedule for sometimes this week... I know it's just a casual date but I just don't feel like serial dating - maybe that's why I failed at being a Mormon.

So I don't know where this one is at now but I'm hoping nothing happens...


Thoughts...

So there you have it. I was on a dating drought and now I'm serial dating!

Dating is just such an intriguing activity. Sometimes you feel like you're going crazy or that you are crazy! Please reassure me that I'm not the only one like this, haha! Either way, I'm trying to remain calm and collected. I think I do have a tendency to settle sometimes or be blinded by the the excitement of it all but really... there is no logic to love and relationships, perhaps it's one of those things like the spirit... you can't explain it, you can only feel it.  

I love turning to wikihow in these instances!
http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-If-a-Guy-Likes-You-%28Guys%29

Sometimes I'd rather have these dates:

#FirstDates

Here I am sitting nervously waiting to go on my first date with this new guy I've been talking to. I have about 15 minutes to kill before I need to leave so why not bog about my anxieties in the hope that it would calm it a bit.

One thing you have to know about me is... I suck at dating! Maybe it's the whole Mormon upbringing where you assume dating is just asking a girl to dinner and you have a great conversation and that's it. Casual dating right? Different YSA every weekend until I don't know, there's just this spark and you know that she's the one you want to take to the temple? Definitely not the story of my life...

So I met this guy on a dating site last week and we've exchanged a few phone calls during the week which were all very pleasant. Then you begin to imagine what life with him would look like - WAIT, you haven't even seen him yet! There are so many expectations with online dating and whilst I've been very clear with this guy that we are going to meet without expectations and as friends, I'm sure both of us have expectations somewhat. Will he likes me? Will I like him? Will I find him attractive? Will we have anything to talk about? Will we get along? Will I run into someone I know? Will it be awkward? What if one of us is interested and the other one isn't? So many 'what if's'!!

I guess I'll find out in 15 minutes! Yikes!

Stay tuned and wish me luck!

A Father's Love

I was wanting to post about my first experience going to an LGBT social group this past week but something happened yesterday that has taken precedence.

So I was on the phone to my Dad a few days ago and he made a comment to me in passing that took me a bit (or A LOT) by surprise. So we were talking about my new house (yes I bought a house, hooray!), he said in passing 'make sure you check the legal stuff around ownership of the house because there's some circumstances where if you live with someone for over 6 months they might have claim on it so when you live with your partner make sure you check all that out'. WHAT?! Did I just hear him correctly? My Dad who serviced as my Bishop when I was a teenager and still very active in Chuch, has commented on me having a 'partner' and talking about us living together?! I was gobsmacked! What caught me even more off guard was he said it so casually as if he didn't feel uncomfortable at all about the topic, (I actually felt like I was more uncomfortable than he was).

A bit of background on my relationship with my Dad...

My Dad is an intelligent and logical person. He rarely loses his temper and only a handful of times do I remember him lose his temper. He is somewhat of a conservative person in regards to showing emotion and I only do remember a handful of times he has verbalised that he 'loves' me. Despite the lack of verbal reassurance, there has never been any doubt in my mind that my Dad has an immense love for his family.

My Dad was always the one to approach if I wanted permission to go out with friends when I was younger. He was certainly more chill than my Mum but when it came to morals and values, he was as ancient as ancient gets.

During my first bout of rebellion (when I was on the verge of coming out at 17) my I distinctly remember my Dad sitting me in a room as stern as he had ever been letting me know that he could not allow anything contrary to the Gospel live under his roof. I was furious and contemplated running away from home as a naive 17 year old. I knew he said it out of love but my mind back then could not comprehend that. I'm sure he was only bluffing.

When I served a mission, my Dad was so proud because he valued his mission so much he wanted me to feel the same. We wrote regularly during my 2 year service and I felt like we grew closer together. My Dad was much better at showing emotion through letters than he was verbally and I felt like my mission helped me show my love for my family more.

Upon returning, we experienced some difficulties as our viewpoints on Gospel doctrines seemed to differ a bit. Our conversations became a bit more mundane and surface-y. So even now, although we have a great love for each other, we rarely verbalise it. We talk about sport, gossip amongst relatives, food, the weather even! Rarely about things that were close to our hearts.

When I started seeing this guy from last year, I knew I had to tell my family and I always dreaded telling my Dad because in my mind he would never approve. My sister told me to start with my Dad because she felt like he wold take it easier than Mum would so when my Dad was visiting me on one of his business trips I decided to take the opportunity....

We sat in the car as he was dropping me home from dinner... I told him I had something tell him.... I didn't know how to say it! I was 'umm-ing' and 'errr-ing' for about a good 15 minutes before I finally told him. He didn't react in any obvious way (no overwhelming love or disgust/hate). He was calm and just questioned my testimony and lectured me a bit about still keeping commandments. I was somewhat disappointed that he didn't show more love toward me but then again, it was much better than what I had expected... after that conversation that night in October, the subject was never mentioned again......

.....UNTIL THAT COMMENT! And he hasn't treated me any differently since!

I'm so grateful for the family that I have... even though we have our challenges, I know that he love me no matter what (even though they don't want to say it because it will feel like they condone my choices).

To everyone out there who are afraid to tell their parents, just hang in there! It seems like a scary and daunting thing to tell them but they might surprise you. That being said I think timing is very important as it was for me and my family so just take it at your own time and pace - when YOU are ready :)

I love this video so much and it was something that really helped me get to where I am now.

#BestBishopEver #Hope.

This past week I met with my Bishop. We've been meeting since March last year (2014) and we try to get together monthly however scheduling conflicts and the end of year craziness made it difficult to catch up during the latter part of the year.

The last time I met with him was September, I remember I called him and wanted to speak to him because I had just gone on a date with a guy whom I liked very much, (we subsequently dated for about 3 months). So really, lots has happened since our last meeting.

I got to the chapel 10 minutes early and ran into the senior couple missionary serving in our ward. We made small talk but man those missionaries are forward! He starts off asking me if I was a member to which I answered 'yes'. he then said 'oh, I've never seen you here before'. Right... this has gotten a bit awkward... because I sort of have been there most weeks. Either way, Bishop turned up 5 minutes later and rescued me from an awkward conversation.

We walked into his office and sat down. I used to get really nervous entering the Bishop's office because I knew he was going to ask me those difficult questions and I would always have to panic over how truthful I was answering the Law of Chastity question. Now I just feel so peaceful because I had nothing to hide from Bishop because he knew everything about me.

We made some small talk and general banter about how our Christmas' were and the time we spent on holidays. He then asked the big-vague-can be interpreted in anyways-all encompassing question: 'so how are things going?' I knew what the question was referring to of course so out came my life in a nutshell over the past 4 months; falling in love, beginning a relationship, breaking up, coming out to my family, coming out to my friends and being somewhat inactive.

It was during this talk with him that I came to a profound self realisation. I have been happy. Despite not living the commandments of the Church, not attending Church regularly, praying or reading my scripture, I have been the happiest I have been in a long time. Even after my relationship ended (minus the grieving period right after the breakup), I'm still happy. I feel like there is hope is my life, hope for the future and for more happiness. This was an important moment for me because I was always fearful that my life would be miserable without the Church and while there are aspects I do miss in the Church, I am overall satisfied with life the way it is at the moment.

What Bishop went on to say gave me hope that perhaps one day, gay Mormons growing up in Church will have it easier then those that have past. Bishop reassured me that this happiness I've found is great. He went on to tell me that he'd been thinking a lot about the topic ever since we started meeting and that it has opened up his eyes and mind to this topic. He told me that he's been thinking about whether or not being gay and being in Church had to be mutually exclusive. He told me that it was good that I wanted to find fulfilling relationships in my life but did that mean I had to throw away the Gospel that I obviously still hold onto. He then proceeding to tell me an experience he'd had over Christmas when he met with a friend who was also a Bishop elsewhere. They got talking on the topic of homosexuality and this other Bishop told him that there was an openly gay couple in the ward he presides over. Members of the ward knew about it and just welcomed them in as anyone would. Bishop did acknowledge that it would be difficult and did not know exactly how it would work but he just emphasised that everyone should be welcomed into Church regardless - everyone is a sinner and sin differently so why should one be judged over another. Bishop certainly didn't say this is what I had to do but simply expressing thoughts that had been going through his mind.

Sure the process isn't that straight forward and I know there would be a lot of challenges but which path in life doesn't have challenges? I didn't feel like he was preaching to me one bit during our talk but simple empathy, understanding and love.

I am hopeful that Church members can emulate those Christlike attributes of love and acceptance as my Bishop so wonderfully showed me this past week. I hope the future of being gay and Mormon won't be as difficult as it has been for generations past.

Hope is a powerful thing and so long as we can continue to hope, there will be happiness.

Happy Straya Day!

Happy Australia Day! Or as it has more commonly become: Straya Day!

Perhaps you know us through Steve Irwin or Crocodile Dundee. Throwin' another shrimp on the barbie perhaps?

It wasn't until my mission in Canada that I realised the differences between Australia and North America. So to celebrate Australia Day let me give a rundown on Aussie culture!

How Aussie are you?! Test your Aussie culture knowledge! (Scroll down for answers!)

1. Brekkie

2. Mozzie

3. Bludger

4. 'Chuck a sickie'

5. Bloke

6. Fair dinkum

7. Heaps

8. Deadset

9. Arvo

10. Maccas

<------- Thongs: things you wear on your feet! (Boy did my companions laugh when I told them I usually wear thongs at home)

<-------- Vegemite: most popular bread spread equivalent to peanut butter in the US. I had a jar I used to share with members... who absolutely hated it 








<------- Pavlova: Delicious Aussie dessert.

<------- Golden Gaytimes: my favourite! (No pun intended!!) Seriously the best ice cream you will ever have.

<------ Tim Tams: Awesome blocks of chocolate-ness. 

Tim Tam Slams: warm milk, bite opposite corner on Tim Tam, place on top of milk, suck and throw in mouth as it melts.... Mmmmmm.... I will do deals of mail exchanging Tim Tams for American goodies ;D

Imagine the faces of my companions when they were listening to me talk to a fellow Aussie at Church saying 'it's so crazy that bitch is a swear word here', (bitch, damn, hell and ass aren't swear words down under - I was apparently the potty mouth missionary).

Check out the video below for more Aussie slang! (yes we do sound like the guy in this video)

Answers!!

1. Breakfast - "Let's have brekkie here"

2. Mosquito - "There's a lot of mozzies here"

3. Lazy person or someone who relies on others to do things - "You're such a bludger"

4. Pretending to be sick, taking a day off work - "I chucked a sickie today"

5. Guy - "He's a good bloke"

6. True / Genuine - "That's fair dinkum"

7. A lot / Very - "That's heaps cool"

8. Truth / True - "That's deadset"

9. Afternoon - "What are you doing this arvo?"

10. McDonalds - "Let's go to Maccas for lunch"

So to finish off... when you guys say you're 'rooting' for something... yeah... that has a COMPLETELY different meaning for us.... but I'll let you google that one ;)

Happy Straya Day!

Inactivity Acknowledgement Milestone

I was Facebook messaging one of my former mission companions this past week and all of a sudden out of the blue he asks me: 'I have to ask, are you still in the Church?' It took me a bit (or a lot) by surprise because I'm certainly not one for sharing every aspect of my life on Facebook and certainly I haven't publicly announced my challenges with the Church. 

I proceeded to say that I have been 'less active' but still go occasionally. To my surprise, he didn't judge nor make a big deal out of it but simply just moved on. I almost felt like I wanted him to ask so I could explain to him my issues however he didn't ask and I just moved on with the conversation.

This made me think about anything that could've given it away on Facebook because that's the only contact we've had except for the occasional Skype chat when we first returned home from our missions roughly 5 years ago. I noticed that over the last few months I've subtly 'unliked' all the Mormon related pages on Facebook such as 'The Book of Mormon', 'General Conference' and 'LDS missionaries' because they would fill up my news feed. I then thought about my lack of active 'Gospel related' posts and 'YSA events' I've attended which could've given it away. It's funny how even the omission of Gospel related posts could give it away from a once very active Mormon.

I certainly have moved away from trying to hide the fact that I've developed some issues with the Church but I've been a bit reluctant to make it public knowledge for a few reasons. I still keep in touch with some converts I taught on my mission and members that I've been really close to and I don't want to affect their testimonies and I didn't want them to see me differently... 

It was after that conversation that I realised that I had avoided to make contact with some of the closest families on my mission because I was scared they would see me differently. In one of my areas on my mission I was really close to a family and I would call them 'mum' and 'dad'. When I first returned home I would call them several times a year (her birthday, his birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day and Father's Day). I realised that I hadn't called them in about 3 years. I decided to change that and I called them this past week. We talked for about an hour on Skype and of course they found out that I was no longer 'completely' active in Church through asking what my calling was. I felt a little piece of my heart break but they didn't judge or hassle me. It reminds me of the loving nature that Mormons are striving so hard to obtain and gives me hope that although there maybe imperfect people in Church, they also possess a lot of perfect qualities.

I now notice that a lot of things that used to bother me no longer do. When I first started not wearing my garments I would be so scared that people would see so I'd often wear a jumper (sweater) or a jacket over my white shirt. I would be so nervous when I'd have to decline the invitation to give a prayer in class or who could see me not partake of the Sacrament.

I walked into Church today and stayed for the whole 3 hours block (how did I manage to go to Church for 3 hours my entire life?! It was SO long!) I no longer look at who's staring at me pass the bread and the water along without taking it or care who can see I'm not wearing my garments. It has taken me a long time to be comfortable to not fit into the Mormon mould anymore and I think that's a win. Once I can remove the social incentives of being a member, I can truly go on a spiritual, soul searching journey to find God in my life. I can still enjoy the wonderful musical items in Sacrament meeting and giggle at the travel log testimonies but I can take a step back and ponder about these things as an outsider looking in as opposed to being indulged in the emotion of it all. 

I am an inactive Mormon and I am O.K. with that.

*Unrelated*

Scripture from Elders Quorum today: Alma 34:26 - 'But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness'. 

Seriously Alma?! I think I've been in the closet praying for long enough!

Open Doors for 2015

I'm usually not much for new year resolutions but what the hell.

I guess I'll just reflect and document on plans/goals for the year and see how they measured up at the end of the year.


Beginning 2015...

Family

What can I say? I love my family. They have been nothing but supportive in the past year and I feel like I'm closer to them than ever before. We have no more secrets amongst us. Although the choices I have made do not coincide with the choices that my family wanted me to make, they still love me and that means the world to me.

As we've grown up and moved away, it has become harder to spend time together as a family but I'm grateful that in 2014 we were able to spend time together in March for my niece's baptism and in December for Christmas. While it may not seem like a lot of time during the long year, I'm grateful for the time we do have to spend together.

GOALS:
- visit my parents at least 4 times
- spend time together as an entire family twice

Love

So if you've missed what's happened last year, here is the post that summarises my love life adventures recently.

Last week was a bit tumultuous when I found out that he deleted me on Facebook (it's funny how everything seems more real on Facebook - now I can feel my dad's pain when I blocked him on Facebook a few years ago). So this was the guy who asked if we could be friends after he just broke up with me and while I was trying to make sense of things deletes me on Facebook! I was quite furious to say the least. How could he? Were we not even friends now? Did he not even want to know what was happening in my life? I was so close to writing an angry post about it but I think it was at that moment things began to change for me. Perhaps this is what happens when you finally come to accept things. I felt like he has moved on and while I thought I had moved on, I hadn't - I was still secretly hoping he still cared and stalked my Facebook as often as I would stalk his to see what was happening in his life, (gosh I sound like a creep). I can proudly say that I have not stalked his Facebook or Instagram profile since and I'm content with that.

I feel like this song captured how I felt initially and now... I'm content with him being "somebody that I used to know".

'...but you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.... I guess that I don't need that though, now you're just somebody that I used to know....'

So here's to one chapter closed and another one opening.

While I don't think I'm ready for love just yet, I do hope I will be able to fall in love somewhere along the line in 2015.

GOAL:
- fall in love

Social

So I feel like I've totally slacked off last year in this department. You know how you have a few good friends and you're just content and not put in the effort to put yourself out there to make new friends? That was me.

I think I've already taken some plungers this year already though.

So, I hosted Family Feud for my department at work for Christmas last year and other departments heard about it. I subsequently got invited to host it for another department (twice the size of my original party with me only knowing about 3 of them). I think I may have just 'long jumped' out of my comfort zone. It wasn't too bad actually... I even scored a bottle of red wine as a gift for doing it ;) (anyone want a bottle of red wine??)

GOAL:
- don't say no to an invite for no good reason
- make 2 new good friends (friends that actually hang out together regularly)

Work

If I haven't mentioned it before, I am currently a clinical social worker working in health and while I love my job, I feel like I want to experience other areas of social work and be challenged.

There are 2 areas of social work I've always wanted to steer clear of and that is mental health and child protection.... Guess what?! I want to try child protection now. Yep, call me crazy (I question that myself all the time ;)). I just feel like I would learn so much and whilst it is sad, there are a lot of children out there who need protecting.

So after much contemplation I decided I wanted to seriously give it a go and started on my application to work for protective services here in Australia. Wait. Curve ball coming. My supervisor at work suddenly resigned out of the blue leaving a more senior vacant position which are hard to come by. There are so many of my colleagues who are more experienced than I am but i decided to give it a go and if anything it's interview experience. So let's wait and see what happens.

GOAL:
- work for protective services OR get a promotion in my current field

Travels

I've decided this year is going to be the year of travelling.

Planning holidays are SO much fun! I've had a blast the last few days researching flights, how I want to fly, where I want to visit, where I want to stay, places I want to see, so on and so forth.

I've always loved travelling but for one reason for another it never pans out the way I want it to. This year, I've decided to just go ahead and do it. If no one else if organised enough to plan ahead then I shall do it alone (and it actually feels quite empowering!)

I will be visiting the US in November this year and I know it's still a fair ways away but if any Mohos would like to catch up while I'm there that would be awesome!

GOAL:
- travel to the USA

Health/Fitness

So I've just started my personal training again for the new year and I'm so mentally ready to go at it hard! I even went to the gym by myself yesterday without my trainer (now that's an achievement because I find it intimidating going to the gym without my trainer).

Whilst training may likely help with my chances of finding a partner, I think the most important aspect for me is boosting self confidence and health. 

GOALS:
- Fit into clothes the next size up
- Pick up a recreational sport
- Get ripped Be healthy

Church Faith

Last but not least. Probably the most difficult to analyse out of all because I don't exactly know where I want to be and probably the least tangible of the bunch.

For starters, I do want to distinguish the Church from my faith because I know that many Mormons will use the terms interchangeably, but I feel like they are separating for me. That's not to say I think the Church is wrong, simply because I feel separating the two will make it easy for me to process my thoughts.

GOALS:
- find God and develop a relationship with Him if He is there




So there you have it!

Anddddd.... here's my backup plan: